I want to address some of the relationships struggles one of my readers has had with her non-committal man
Maybe you’ve been there before too? It’s so challenging to get over a non-committal man when you’ve already given him your heart. You may wonder whether to stay and deal with this non-committal guy or to let him go. You tell yourself that the problem is with him, but thoughts of not being “enough” are starting to cloud your head without your consent.
So how do you deal with a non-committal man?
Ansie has given me permission to share her story of relationship struggles
I hope it helps you in some way too!
Here’s her story . . .
Thank you so much! 🙂
I am seeing someone; we came a long way in the past seven years…
Actually, we met about 12 years ago. Both of us remembers that moment. He calls it a spark. And I remember that I think about him often but apart from just forwarding nice emails or text messages we’ve never seen each other.
Then in 2010, we’ve seen each other again.. I’ve learned that he had a wife, and understood the reason why we didn’t share more than ordinary nice stuff. It was okay. But I’ve learned that he sings beautifully, that he is a leader, a MANLY man.. And that he about 18yrs older than me
During 2010 I’ve lost my job, and his secretary left without a notice period. He contacted me for an interview.. I would have been temporary. From Oct to Dec.
His wife used to left him and stayed weeks at her mom. Later I’ve found out that her daughter caused the separations. She stole from him, and when he talked to the kid (16) the mom got angry, take the kid and moved to her mom. The tension it the house (where his offices were located too) was touchable. He had a lot to deal with, and I stepped in an help wherever just to lift the burden from his shoulders. After about a month, I’ve realized that I’ve got a crush on him, and need to get out, but couldn’t find it in my heart to drop him.. And still. I couldn’t afford, as a single mom with three kids, to be without a job.
It was like having an emotional affair
And it hurt badly. Knowing his married and I cant have him.
She left him for about a year, then decided to give it another try. I needed to start fresh with a broken heart. Trying to forget the bond. But couldn’t really.
12 months later she left him again.. (it is almost seven years now) He drags me back into his life, but also tried to save his marriage. It pained me badly. Later I’ve just pushed some issues to break this cruel heartache. We did everything together. Every weekend. We lived life. But, he guarded his heart, and wouldn’t let me get to close.
End 2015 we said our goodbyes. I fell into a depression. Went to church after I’ve decided just to live a day at a time… That day there was a guy in church who’ve fallen in love with me. My heart would never be mine again, so I thought, this is an excellent man, better to have someone than this terrible loneliness.
He tends to be an insecure and clingy person. He drained me. After a year I left him.
Then an old uncle in the church had a crush on me and tried to manipulate me, trying to give the impression that he and I are something… He got angry when I didn’t return his messages, and when I’ve told him, due to boundaries I will be friendly at church, but not like personal friends. He said it’s not okay for a believer to have boundaries. After my recent failing relationship, I just left the church and blocked the uncle on my phone and social media.
After a month or three my lost love started to contact me again.. And we’ve started seeing each other. He and his almost-ex broke all contact, and I could see he makes efforts to be with me.
I was tired. Drained. But eventually, everything fell almost in place.
But I feel insecure and afraid
We are doing almost everything together.
I missed being romanced. It is as if we’ve skipped that. He doesn’t kiss me like a lover. Doesn’t take selfies with me. It is as if we love each other. But a great deal of love is missing. We went to a wedding last weekend. And afterward I told him, you didn’t even dance with me. Then he said, I could have asked him…
Maybe I am too obvious. I know he doesn’t allow anyone else in his private domain. A part of me believes he loves me. But the other part wants him to pursue me. Romance me.
What can I do?
I’m glad you reached out Ansie, there are so many things going on in your past life and your life right now. It might take some time to sort it all out and get things where you want them to be. I know you can attract good love that you desire!
So let’s start with some basic relationship struggles first
Love or our idea of love is never perfect, and we have to accept that a man will probably not always be like we want him to be.
It’s especially hard when we feel insecure and unsure of ourselves and our relationship.
You and this guy have been through so much, and I’m sure it’s exhausting not knowing how he feels about you and not getting your needs met.
You had cyber romance which was great, right? But there was no physical connection for a while— Then you found out he had a wife . . . So that puts a massive damper on any romance.
But he had already lured you in emotionally and once you get sucked in— It’s hard to let go of someone you “love.”
I’ve had my fair share of relationship struggles too
Many women have been in a place of feeling like you would do anything for a man. Just to get him to love you.
Here are some doormat behavior signs that lead to relationship struggles
- You think if you hold on tightly enough he’ll stick around
- Do what he wants all the time
- Meet his needs every single time
- Say what you think he wants to hear
- Leave what you want out of the picture to please him
- Stuff down your feelings
I and you have worn those lonely worn-out doormat shoes. Maybe that’s why we like to shop so much! Because our soles and our souls are worn out :).
So what’s a girl to do in a situation like yours with devastating relationship struggles?
It’s time to look inside the crystal ball for a little while.
You have done so many pleasing behaviors for him— But not many pleasing things for yourself.
And it’s all because you are scared and heartbroken— It’s OK to feel afraid of the unknown and whenever he felt like he wanted some attention from someone other than his wife . . .
You were there. You were always there. Because you felt like he was the only man that you could ever really love.
If you have relationship struggles you may need to date other men
I’m glad you opened yourself up to letting someone else in for a while even though he wasn’t the right man for you. He was a good learning relationship for you.
And I’m glad you kept your boundaries up from the manipulator uncle at your church. Sometimes it’s hard to keep your boundaries when you’re used to pleasing everyone else.
This is a victory for you! Staying secure in your beliefs is a step in the right direction. Let’s keep things moving forward like this as much as we can.
Currently, you are giving this man your everything (even though from what I understand he is still not separated from his ex).
You gave him your heart right away without getting the romance you need
If you want to have a relationship with this man I want you to understand that he has gone back with his wife once before— And he could do it all again.
And you have to be OK with this because until he is separated financially, emotionally, and physically he still has stock in their relationship.
Romantic love isn’t logical it purely emotional. According to Health Research Funding.org, 45 percent of husbands have had emotional affairs. And if a man gets everything he wants from you without pursuing and romancing you now, why would he bother?
He already has what he wants. Someone to be with, spend time with and maybe even have sex with. So he doesn’t have to “do” anything. You can tweak a few things to get what you need in your love life.
End relationship struggles by letting a man work for you
From what I understand for him to want a relationship with you he needs to feel like he doesn’t “have” you. He feels like he has to do some work to “get” you.
You’ve had clear boundaries with the creepy guy from church— Now it’s time to practice having boundaries with the man you give everything to.
First I want you to understand what it is that you need from a man.
Create a list of the perfect partner and see how many of the things he has on your list.
It sounds like he is missing your primary need of being romanced.
Do you want to keep dating a man that is attached to someone else and might go back to her?
And I wonder if you can let him know what your needs are and if he can’t meet them— You will leave and find someone who WANTS to meet your needs.
Speak clearly when there are relationship struggles in your life
I don’t want you to beg and plead him for romance. But you can plainly tell him that IS what you want.
If you are at a wedding again instead of wishing he would ask you to dance, tell him you want to dance.
Men aren’t mind-readers. It sounds like you have trouble communicating your needs to the man you care about the most.
So the best things for you to do are to get clear on what you want first and then tell him what you need.
He may not be willing or able to give you what you want. But there may be someone else who WILL provide you with want you to want happily.
Accept that you cannot make a man change
It could be a relationship of convenience for him because he doesn’t have to do much to get what he wants. He just has to ask, and it sounds like you follow him wherever he goes.
If you keep doing the same behaviors as you’ve always done things will probably stay the same. If you need relationship help a dating coach can help you make a simple plan!
You have the power to change your behaviors and this can inspire a man
I would love to see you get some hobbies WITHOUT him. Can you join a book club or a mom’s group and start building some social support from other people? Having groups of friends will do you a world of good.
It’s hard for a person to meet all of another person’s needs especially when they don’t know what they are.
Learn the art of communicating your needs when there are relationship struggles
So can you promise me that you will do your best to tell him or any man what it is that you want?
Don’t be dramatic. Speak plainly and clearly with your desires. Get into your logical brain if you have to.
For example let’s say you’re going out to dinner with a man and he asks you, “Where would you like to go for dinner?”
You can give your preference. “I love Mexican and Italian, how about a place that serves either of those types of dishes?”
Or you’re a movie together, and you want some physical affection.
You have two options when it comes to getting your needs met
- You can sit there wishing he would put his arm around you or hold your hand. Or . . .
- You can tell him what would make you happy and say, “I would love some affection, and it would feel so good to hold hands right now.”
Option two is your best bet.
When you are with a man, it does everyone a favor when you get clear on asking what it is that you want.
Don’t be afraid to have your needs met because you deserve it!
And also don’t be afraid to ask him for what you want.
Yes, I know it can be annoying because you want to believe that a man “should know what you want— But he doesn’t!
Even older men don’t know what you want; you need to tell them. There are few men who “get” women more than other men. But it’s easier if you become a better communicator and you are your own cheerleader.
Get your clear on your needs— Then get them met by this man or move on…
You deserve to have love from someone who will give you what you need.
Key Personality Traits Of A Non-Committal Man
There are a few key personality traits that show up time and time again among non-committal men from online dating and in the real world.
They value freedom. This is their elixir of life and their way of living. You can tell from their inability to commit to an activity, job, significant other, etc. They dislike the idea of missing out on other opportunities and are never really satisfied with the present moment. If you find any of these traits in your significant other, then there is a good chance that they may be emotionally unavailable.
Looking out for these key traits before you get into a relationship with a non-committal man will save you from a broken heart.
How To Get A Non-Committal Guy To Commit
Despite everything that you just learned about your man, you’re still very much in love with him and want to get him to commit. To a non-committal guy, their worst fear is losing their freedom to live their life. In their mind, committing to a woman means catering to her every whim.
So how do you dispel their fear of commitment?
It’s not true that men don’t want the same things that women want: emotional connection, deep love, affection, appreciation. They want all those things. Give him all these things while making it known to him that he’s not essential to your happiness and survival. He will sense this and gain a newfound respect for you. This relieves any burden from his end.
Before venturing down this hard path, make sure that this guy is worth the effort of getting him to commit.
How To Cut Off A Non-Committal Man
What do you do if you decide that he’s no longer worth the effort? Despite putting everything into the relationship, you’re still being taken for granted. Your texts? Never responds. Your plans? Canceled. Your feelings? Crushed.
It is now time to cut him out of your life so you can find somebody worth your time.
The best way to cut him off is to give it to him straight, no questions asked. You can explain what was missing in the relationship if he wants to know, but keep the conversation short and simple. Despite not wanting to spend time with you during the relationship, non-committal men like to try to keep you around for appearance’s sake.
Don’t get sucked into the act. You know from experience that nothing will come out of the relationship and you NEED to find something more fulfilling.
You deserve that and much more.